Fiction

Done Deal

It was a difficult decision to reply to you.  In the end, my beautiful partner shared his    enduring wisdom telling me, “Perhaps this is a chance to give that broken boy a voice.”

For my part in the despicable behavior that went on between us, I am truly sorry.  I did not live my life that way before or after.  I do not think often of those terrible years but when I do, I still feel a worm of shame so deeply, it must surely be in my soul.  How could I have allowed myself to be treated so appallingly?  It was the darkest of times, ugly and hateful.

My life since then has been joyful, abundant and successful – but I have no intention of sharing my stories with you.  You were never worthy.  It is not my job to ease your guilt and yet, here I am, prepared to give you this one small memory.  I do so solely because you share a sliver of the outcome.

Take it and put me out of your thoughts forever.  I have gone, have been gone to you since that moment and I refuse to allow you to enter my life in any way.

It was a night when once again I had convinced you to come over to my place, to talk, to sort some things out, to eat together.  I was hopeful.  I was young.  I was broken and thought that only you could stop the hurt.  The apartment phone rang and it was you, calling from a phone box to say you would not be able to make it.  I recall it as though it was just a moment ago.  I held the receiver away from my ear and said calmly into the mouthpiece, “thank you for letting me know”.  I hung up before you could reply.  Before you could lie.  Before you could bruise me again and again.

I remember thinking – at last you’d done the decent thing.  An act of deceny in the brawl and deceit that was our – whatever it was at that stage.  That simple ordinary gesture set me free.

I picked up my car keys, turned off the oven and went out to find my friends.  That night I felt unburdened for the first time in years.  I knew you would never be the person I had so wanted you to be.  I would manage.  I would get by.

That night, that amazing night, I met the wonderful person who became and remains my world.  My everything.  My real family.

Your choice and decisions are your own, as are mine.  Door closed.

I see no reason to have further contact.

You will respect my decision on that.