It was a difficult decision to reply to you. In the end, my beautiful partner shared his enduring wisdom telling me, “Perhaps this is a chance to give that broken boy a voice.”
For my part in the despicable behavior that went on between us, I am truly sorry. I did not live my life that way before or after. I do not think often of those terrible years but when I do, I still feel a worm of shame so deeply, it must surely be in my soul. How could I have allowed myself to be treated so appallingly? It was the darkest of times, ugly and hateful.
My life since then has been joyful, abundant and successful – but I have no intention of sharing my stories with you. You were never worthy. It is not my job to ease your guilt and yet, here I am, prepared to give you this one small memory. I do so solely because you share a sliver of the outcome.
Take it and put me out of your thoughts forever. I have gone, have been gone to you since that moment and I refuse to allow you to enter my life in any way.
It was a night when once again I had convinced you to come over to my place, to talk, to sort some things out, to eat together. I was hopeful. I was young. I was broken and thought that only you could stop the hurt. The apartment phone rang and it was you, calling from a phone box to say you would not be able to make it. I recall it as though it was just a moment ago. I held the receiver away from my ear and said calmly into the mouthpiece, “thank you for letting me know”. I hung up before you could reply. Before you could lie. Before you could bruise me again and again.
I remember thinking – at last you’d done the decent thing. An act of deceny in the brawl and deceit that was our – whatever it was at that stage. That simple ordinary gesture set me free.
I picked up my car keys, turned off the oven and went out to find my friends. That night I felt unburdened for the first time in years. I knew you would never be the person I had so wanted you to be. I would manage. I would get by.
That night, that amazing night, I met the wonderful person who became and remains my world. My everything. My real family.
Your choice and decisions are your own, as are mine. Door closed.
I see no reason to have further contact.
You will respect my decision on that.