It is usually only celebrities that are so well known that they can go by one name, such as Cher, Bono, Madonna or Iman. The list could go on. In a diverse social circle stretching from New Zealand to the USA and winding back through South Africa, Indonesia, Australia and especially Brisbane and Melbourne, she will be lovingly remembered – as everyone’s Bernie.
My Bernie time was intoxicating, fun, and a virtual roller coaster of navigating being ‘army wives’ of young officers, living away from our families and friends, having our babies – our third baby, Annie and for Bernie and Glen, their first girl, Sarah. Bittersweet loss had already entwined Bernie’s little family with an ectopic pregnancy resulting in the sadness that Sarah’s would be twin could not thrive.
Thirty years ago, this polished and beautiful New Zealand girl swept into my life. Being a young Mum in the outer suburbs with the dreaded one car scenario it was head tilting to me that this dynamic young woman would appear at my door wearing her statement pearls and faultless smile ready to pitch in with the kids and reward our good selves later with chilled white wine and her perfect avocado dip. Those were happy years with wonderful memories of shared cooking, dinner parties and barbecues, learning to sew, deep and interesting conversations – sometimes raw, wicked, cheeky and never less than authentic. Movies, cafes and concerts. Our outings were fabulous – with Bernie finding ways to fit multiple activities into tight time frames. She was energy personified!
Bernie was one of ‘those’. She could do every dam thing so well! Glen and Bernie’s ‘married quarter’ bore the elegance of her impeccable good taste and her talent for interior design. A warm, witty and intelligent woman who excelled at anything she turned her sights on – usually with natural ability but occasionally by sheer grit and determination. Whilst her cooking, baking and ability to host gorgeous dinners and functions made Bernie and Glen’s place a bit of a favourite – she was just as accomplished when it came to the physicality of life in an array of outdoor pursuits. Bernie convinced me back onto a bicycle and we regularly whizzed around the river areas of our garrison town in North Queensland. I was always striving to keep pace whether we were biking or walking. Her zest for fitness and the outdoors never waned.
With her competent, magnetic personality she would have nailed the corporate world had she been drawn in that way. It is no surprise that Bernie chose a path of service, particularly in early childhood education. She was a natural giver, sharing her talents and I am certain there are others who are as fortunate as my girls to have Bernie’s exquisite hand smocked dresses to pass on to their own future daughters and granddaughters.
Cherished visits and catch ups in new places, letters exchanged and the passing on of new experiences bring back warm memories. Bernie and Glen welcomed their second baby, Chloe. Postings. There were always postings! Our time apart grew and regretfully both Bernie and I allowed family and work commitments to deepen our separation. It was a sweet rising and falling of a beautiful friendship. Our season may have ended but that does not mean that the friendship wasn’t a great one, nor the shared moments wonderful and to be forever cherished. Reflection has shown me that I have always prioritized my marriage and family relationships and that won’t change. Recognizing this hierarchy gives me an insight into my complicacy in accepting the gentle laying down of friendships. I have admiration for those who do better with life balance and well-being.
My family continued on in the challenging realm of a family of a military member with extensive travel, opportunities and a focus on family time. Multiple schools and locations required extraordinary sacrifice by our children and appropriately, our family unit supported by our more stable extended family became our social priority. Many of our early friends had now opted out of service and the green bush telegraph informed us that Glen had also left the army and that they were settled in Brisbane. Lazily, I recall imagining that once we are all retired in the popular south-east Queensland area that old bonds would be established.
The pace of time accelerates, and we heard that Glen and Bernie had divorced. The end of a marriage does not mean that the love, care and growing of a family never happened and just like a friendship, during its time was very real, loving and meaningful. Perhaps there were reach outs on both sides, but the attempts must have been watery at best. Adult life, a series of saying and believing that we must catch up and suddenly another year has gone by.
There was no falling out. There was no disagreement, harsh words or overstep. Like flowers, friendships rise and fall, gently and with abundant beauty.
It was aching to attend Bernie’s memorial service and painfully regret not being fierce enough to reach out. It was excruciating to witness her girls so utterly broken from their impossible loss.
It was heartening to see Bernie’s family and friends gathered to honour her challenging, wonderful and inspiring life. It was wonderful to know that Bernie had travelled extensively and enjoyed life with her beautiful grown daughters. To know that Bernie and Glen were in regular contact and opted to meet with each other was lovely. Perhaps one day, Sarah and Chloe will find ease in the knowing of this time their parents shared together. The Bernie stories were cheeky, full of humour and shared with love.
Her loss is devastating but there is comfort in the gift of sharing a season of her life.
Everyone’s Bernie.
C Writes 